To celebrate the first 25% of the year being complete, The Computer Newspaper did what it always does: round up the biggest newsmakers in popular culture for a brief discussion.
The Computer Newspaper: First of all, welcome everybody, I know you have busy schedules… well, probably not as busy as they were a month or two ago, but hey, that’s celebrity these days, amirite?
Jennifer Lawrence: I shouldn’t be here, I’m an Oscar-caliber actress. I’m not some Youtube video with a definitive shelf-life.
TCN: Jennifer, first of all, you are here so that we can look at you. Maybe even ask you out for a wine tasting, take the edge off you a bit. Second of all, The Hunger Games is all the rage and the truth is, we would have rather had Stanley Tucci be here to represent the film but he has a pending lawsuit against The Computer Newspaper for our “The Tooch is Loose” bumper stickers.
Lawrence: If I show you my breasts for a few minutes, can I afterwards leave?
Sh*t Girls Say: That is so something a girl would say to an online periodical.
TCN: As classy as that offer is, Ms. Lawrence, we are worried that any nudity will send Mr. Kony over there into a masturbating frenzy.
Jason Russell, Kony 2012 founder: First of all, my name is not Kony, it’s blah blah blah. Joseph Kony is the Ugandan war criminal I have tried for years to raise awareness about.
TCN: …. Let us stop you there. Kony, do you always end your statements in prepositions?
Kony: What? No, I… look, second of all…
Kony: I was promised we would strictly be speaking about my viral video and how to best support the global fight against human rights violations. Not the tabloid mess.
TCN: Kony, Kony, Kony. You naive little pervert. We need all the site traffic we can get here–we must talk about your very public meltdown from a few weeks ago. This summit, if nothing else, is designed to discuss the nature of fame after all, to explain inexplicable phenomena–for instance, Gotye, you know we love your song, man, but your video on Youtube has over 150 million views http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY. 150 million. If 150 million was a country’s population, it would be the 7th highest in the world, just above Russia. How’d you make that happen?
Gotye: Hmm…. geez, uh…. wait until there was literally nothing else going on in music? Hope that a cover band like Walk off the Earth would film themselves playing the song on a single guitar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M&feature=related ?
TCN: Honesty. We like that in a Belgian. Apt as well–that Walk off the Earth video has 87 million views in its own right.
Jeremy Lin: Is there a reason I’m here?
TCN: Well, Jeremy, it’s because you have nowhere else to be. You’ll be on the injured list the rest of the season, but even before that, yourself and your New York Knicks began to struggle as other players came back into the lineup (e.g. Carmelo Anthony, Baron Davis)… your coach was eventually fired.
Lin: You can’t blame me for Linsanity, you don’t think I want to be out on the court, proving my critics wrong again?
TCN: Here’s what we think, Jeremy, in a nutshell: 1) If not in New York next year, you will be playing somewhere else in the NBA, and you will be making millions of dollars for the next decade because your ethnicity commands interest across the world. 2) We think that you handled the Linsanity phenomenon quite admirably when it happened, but we wonder if your life, as seen from the future Jeremy Lin, will ever be better than February 2012? It’s just strange, for all of us here in the modern world, to metabolize information so quickly that we can already be nostalgic for the world of six weeks ago.
Lin: Tell me something I don’t know. All Harvard freshmen take an “Isn’t the Internet weirrrrrrd?” seminar their first semester, and then you know what happens (?), we all move on with our lives. Maybe you should, too, The Computer Newspaper. Was there a #3?
TCN: Yeah, try not to talk too much here today, the ‘Sh*t Famous Asian Guys Say’ video is practically being written as we speak.
Sh*t Girls Say (puts notepad and pen down): Gotta make a living.
TCN: That’s enough out of you, Sh*t Girls Say. Do you even know how many parodies your innocent little sketch spawned?
Sh*t Girls Say: Probably one for every specific combination of gender, age, race, occupation, it got pretty crazy there. I think we even saw a ‘Sh*t Bathtubs Say To Dead Celebrities.’
TCN: Was that mostly Whitney Houston jokes?
Sh*t Girls Say: Yeah, really macabre stuff, but I mean, can you blame all the copycat artists? These sketches are really, really easy to film.
TCN: Well, we would imagine out of everyone else at this conference, you profited the least.
Sh*t Girls Say: Oh yeah, for sure. We get credit for breaking the dam, but soon enough, the rushing river was too crowded for anybody to stand out.
TCN: Well, we should probably wrap things up here–there is a definite stench in this room from everybody’s decomposing fame.
Lawrence: Haters gonna hate. The Hunger Games is a billion dollar franchise, not a rotting corpse. With Harry Potter finished and Twilight dying a slow, merciful death, where else is the money going to go?
TCN: Yeah, but those other two were based on books.
Lawrence: I’m outta here.
TCN: Byyyyye, Katniss!
Gotye: I’m pretty set, too. Just did Saturday Night Live, I’m selling out every show I play. The music industry is so spread thin that once you reach the level of exposure I have had, you just sort of ride the wave for a few years. The public’s initial criticisms or backlash to us gathered here today, they become less vocal once everyone has moved onto a new Thing to, ah, tear assunder as it were.
TCN: Whatever, Gotye, your real name is ‘Wally.’ Just checked your Wiki page during that diatribe.
Kony: I agree with the archer–that is, haters gonna hate. I mean after everyone started picking apart our video, talking about how we may have misrepresented facts or figures for our own rhetorical purposes, I just lost it. I had a psychiatric episode, mostly due to exhaustion and dehydration, which are like real medical things, everybody.
TCN: And contrary to what Wally was just rapping on, your Thing, that labor-of-love documentary which you will always be known for, was ultimately tainted by your subsequent behavior in the public eye.
Gotye (laughing): Yeah, what were you thinking, mate?
Kony: (sigh) But look, the actual Kony 2012 video’s good, right? I mean, can we agree on that? I at least did a good thing there?
TCN: You know, it reminded us of Catfish, did you ever see that? It was like Catfish meets Last King of Scotland.
Lin: Can I just butt in here? Kony guy, you got arrested?
TCN: Oh, Jeremy, didn’t realize you were Lin the dark on this one. Dude was walking around San Diego, naked, pounding his fists on the ground, getting in the way of cars, accused of masturbating.
Lin: In the middle of the day?
TCN: Oh yeah. To be fair, he was not arrested, just detained. But check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjdH2LDH5LM&feature=endscreen . The names and people may change, but TMZ doesn’t go anywhere.
Kony: I think it makes me look pretty passionate.
TCN: We were thinking more ‘effeminate.’
Lin: I can’t believe I haven’t seen this before. I’m going to definitely Pinterest this.
Sh*t Girls Say: Aww, what’s wrong?
TCN: You know, it’s just this generation we live in. The Computer Newspaper watches Mad Men and is always fascinated to see how they integrate (no pun intended) different 1960s cultural happenings to the storyline: assassinations, Vietnam, The Beatles, race riots. Then you think about what everybody is talking about now, what constitutes the zeitgeist in 2012. And we’re stuck with you lot, no offense.
Gotye: None taken.
TCN: Can’t something happen worth talking about? When is a professional athlete in the four major American sports going to come out of the closet? When will The Simpsons be euthanized? Are we ever going to find Osama Bin Laden?
Lin: Don’t worry, we got him. You haven’t bought your Justice Coin yet? https://www.justicecoin.com/
TCN: These are incredible. What a bloodthirsty people we can be. Come to think of it, now that the girl is gone, any of you want to go see Hunger Games?