SportsCenter has decided that I am dumb. I don’t appreciate this lack of confidence in my ability to follow the action in a simple play. They have come up with a superfluous technological advance to let me “in on the action” being that I am such a layman. This “technology” (kind of) is in the form of a floor-to-ceiling halo around the important person in the upcoming highlight. This abomination is used in various unnecessary circumstances that insult the sports enthusiast’s credibility and knowledge of sports.
This trend hit an all-time low last week after Kentucky beat Kansas for the NCAA title. In this highlight, they have decided to put the shower curtain around the on-ball defender, Kidd-Gilchrist. Where else would I be looking, SportsCenter? They follow Kidd-Gilchrist around the court to make sure that even when he is done affecting the play, I am affixed to his mega spotlight. I know how the game is played, I think.
Let me try to figure out this peach basket contest to the best of my ability…the guy with the ball tries to make the ball pass through the basket while the guy without the ball tries to stop that from happening. Do I have it just about right, SportsCenter? If so, you can call me ‘Dr. Naismith, Jr.’
I am terrified of baseball season because ESPN may begin to abuse their technological powers even further. Are they going to spotlight Pujols as he is standing in the batter’s box? Or Verlander while he is winding up? The audacity of the Bristol campus is overwhelming, attempting to influence my gaze past the “Bottom Line” fiasco and side-scrolling story headlines already assaulting my peepers.
Stuart Scott has no place in controlling my rods and cones (I almost went with a Linda Cohn joke here, too easy) especially when his eye is lazier than God was when he gave Stu-Dogg two different eye colors.
ESPN has made it abundantly clear that our intelligence level is severely under review and I am going to be the first to say, “Thanks anyways, SportsCenter, I am going to allow my years of experience watching live sporting events, not your ‘color by numbers’ approach, to do my bidding.”